8.17.2011

Shallow Heart


Cold tears rip violently at the throat
Of those who cry
And pray for rain.

You've cried,
With jealousy towards those
Who have blurred sight
The pangs in their chest…
Your shallow thought can’t attain.

Sure you’ve cried.
You were so mad you didn't
Get what you wanted
Your cat died once and you cried…
But never cold tears that
Freeze and crack the heart.

I die inside
A thousand rivers pummeling my chest
Because of deep affection
Never.
No not ever like you.

That's why you hate me and I
Can’t console you…

When you pretend to cry.

8.15.2011

Broken Hearts

Somewhere in Texas I broke my heart. The beautiful endless sea of burnt gold land and way too much time to drown in my thoughts was the perfect combination to transport my little soul to a very vulnerable place. I am so raw, and everything I experience has a hightened intensity. I was going to visit my dying grandma. I was going to support my family, going to learn about grief and death, two things I had no understanding of. I had a lot to think of as I gazed at that window towards an envoloping scenery, not only about these things, but about love, and sin, and committment, and innocence.
Here's what I learned.
People are meant to be beautiful, and you can age gracefully, and you can die and be  dying gracefully. This doesn't make it smooth. The body fights with itself, and the mind slowly leaves the body. Your humanity fades out, and become like an infant again, closer to your death, closer to God's loving arms than any other point in your life. But my grandma, she was the sweetest woman I ever knew. She gave so much love and strength to her family, and the astounding example of Christ she exibited influenced all my relatives. They were united by this beautiful woman, and shared in her loving personality, and strength. None of them feared death, they were happy to see this sweet woman reunited with her husband, free of pain.
People are meant to be beautiful, beautiful to eachother. It was a complete epiphany to me. Thats all the realization was. That we are meant to be overflowing with love and beauty.
The best visualization I have for the discovery of this profound truth is what all my relatives would say to my grandma, with their charming Texan accents, as they clasped her veiny feeble hands, "Granny, you always had the softest skin, did you know that?"
I'm completely broken.

8.04.2011

Dampened Spirits


He does not hold my hand when I walk through the snow
Nor stand by my side in church
He cannot meet my parents
But they hear him outside my window
Sometimes

Maybe you'll see him around
He doesn't stay far behind
The first time I saw his face
I cried
He always waits for me

Someone once said
You cannot escape love
And believe me. I've tried
to run.
He has this hold over me

In my dreams
In my darkest paths
In my most silent thoughts
Comes my slender man
Stretching his spider arms around my waist

Taking me away
To a place
Where you don't need a soul
Maybe one day you'll understand
Why I pray
For Nightmares.