Finished

My first book of poems is finally finished.
I started it the summer before my senior year of high school.
It's a small, cheesy notebook with a green, flower-patterned, leather exterior.
There are flowers on every page.


Here's the count:
8 poems by other authors
1 quote
8 songs
90 of my own poems

I wrote 90 poems in a span of a little over two years
They have taken me so far
This poetry journal is worth more to me than anything I own
Ive captured my purest thoughts and true identity in these flows
in these pages
Im the same person I was two years ago
But I've grown
And when I'm scared or afraid or lonely
I just talk to myself from two years ago, or two days ago
And not only does she understand,
She knows what to do.

I would like very much to get published.
I like sharing my poems with you all.
But for now I'll give it a rest and put it on a shelf.


Cheers <3

Pain

Sometimes
Sometimes love can make your stomach really sick
And it hurts and it doesn't feel good
But I tell you we're human
They are animals and the tell you that
You're just like them and that you're an animal
And you're to act like an animal
But you're not
You're human
Raw and pained and passionate
Never a God
Just a man I love

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night- Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Burning

I lit the candle and turned off the lights
I held it in my hand
Warm cinnamon smell

The flame never wavered
The long yellow pillar consuming
consuming consuming
And I held it in my hand

Hot wax dripped on my hand
it dripped on my hand
Hot wax burned my skin
Flame yet to waver

The beautiful cinnomon smell
filled my room
Dimly lit by that candle
And I wept
and thrashed and shook

My candle stood still
Flame all stone
I prayed for a glimer a blink
Praying please please
Just a tremble

I melted like wax
Hot vulnerable wax
Wax surrounding a candle
Just a candle
But a candle still

I dissolved into a pool
of vascillation
Burning as I went
Until its dark light went out

Stuck Asleep

I have temporary sleep paralysis.
Sleeping has always been an interesting process for me, and this is one of the more physically frightening components to its cycle. Here's what it is. Basically your body releases chemicals that temporarily paralyze it in order for all the muscles n stuff to rest, as well as to  keep you from physically harming yourself in the unconscious state. For whatever reason, some people will wake up before the natural chemicals have had time to wear off. Your brain anticipates how long you're going to sleep, and as soon as you hit the REM cycle, it kind of kicks in the heavy stuff to keep you safe while your out. It doesn't plan on you waking up... so you're mind jolts wide awake, unexpected, and your body is still. You can't move, you panic.
I guess their are different categories of sleep paralysis aswell, depending on how your mind interprets the situation. Basically one type of mental interpretation is worse than the other. I'm a little unclear as to the exact distinctions, but I think I have the worse one.

Pause. I'm no expert, so I'm explaining this biological stuff to the best of my understanding.

I'm doing a little backtracking.
 I have always been a very active and heavy dreamer. I have morbid and frightening dreams on a regular basis. As a kid, I was terrified of unconsciousness. I entered a new dark world of utter vulnerability, nightmares not my own, and monsters that became real. Sleeping always involved dreaming, dreams involved terror, therefore I avoided sleep.
Simultaneously, I had the problem of sleep walking. It basically was like looking and functioning in our tangible world through the dream lense. Everything is wrong, even basic physics, but you're able to talk coherantly to the conscious, and waking up involves your mind closing one window to make the other clearer.
So, I've always had problems with sleep. Over time, I grew accustomed to my nightmares, recognized it as part of my sleep process and completely detached from reality. And apart from occasional sick fevers, I didn't sleep walk.
But in highschool I started taking naps to cope with my new social and academic environment that required less sleep. It doesn't always happen with naps, but usually it does. Or, if I would wake up and go back to sleep in more. I got that deep REM sleep my body longed for, but at the wrong time. I would be carrying on some unhappy dream, and it wasn't that I wanted out, someone in my dream always told me that I was dreaming. Some evil creature would mock me, tell me that I was dreaming. It would be making fun of the fact that I was unconscious and helpless and it or my mind would find me back in my room. Often, I found my brain struggling back into my room, climbing through my sheets, yelling for my mom to wake me up, her coming over to wake me up but I'm not awake, me turning off my alarm but I'm not awake, me reading a text message after I just woke up but I'm not awake, me struggling out of the grips of someones hands pulling me back into unconscious. It is a huge struggle, and rather than lying dormant, waiting for the lights to turn on while I'm motionless, my brain pretends to solve the problem while dreaming until I'm awake, even though I'm aware I'm dreaming. That's really really bad and pretty scarry. But the thing is, even though these are dreamlike thoughts, I'm fighting to wake my body up the whole time, but it won't.
This is exhausting. I often feel that I get so deep in sleep that I won't wake back up. If I don't fight hard enough to wake up, who knows how long I'll be out. It's astounding how long, elaborate, imagined and physical my dreams are when I enter into proper REM. Sometimes I wonder, when I feel myself, after already being very asleep, being pulled "deeper into the dream" what would happen if I rode it rather than fought it. These are the abstract fears and questions I ponder about my sleep disorder.
In the mean time. I don't take naps. I sleep at regular hours, for a proper length. I try to be less stressed. I pray and ask God to clear my mind before I go to bed. You're not supposed to lie supine in bed either, which I can definately try to avoid.
The mind is a powerful thing nontheless. Especially in the unconscious state.

1000 Reasons You Should Start Listening to Dirty Projectors

Take Away Show #55 _ Dirty Projectors (full version) from Vincent Moon / Petites Planètes on Vimeo.


This band is beyond the brink of influential. They are taking music and doing something brand new. Seriously, they are extremely creative, dynamic, inspired, practiced... dare I say it? - Genius. It took getting signed by Domino Records for this band to get even moderately recognized, but Dirty Projectors have been around for the better part of the turn of the century. What makes them so, different, so unique? There are several factors that play into their idiosyncratic sound. I'm not well versed in the science of describing musical/stylistic elements, however, I will try to use what vocabulary and knowledge I have to do so.

First off, and this is difficult to achieve, let alone master (granted, not all bands need to do this, either)- they are tenured in the skill of making vocals an additional instrument. That is to say, the instrumental part of the music is not a backdrop for vocals, the two are seamlessly intertwined to where voices are meticulously calculated and planned just as you string chords toghether, or synthesize a beat. This attribute brings me to my next observation.

Lyrics. Most people don't really understand why one song will really resonate with them, and other songs will only resonate on one level, and then conflict on another. Something like, "Well, I really liked the music part, but I didn't really like the lyrics." Or "I loved the lyrics, but I couldn't really get into the music". This is largely due to the fact that, yes, the lyrics and music don't line up well. The music and lyrics need to be saying the same thing. They need to match (or compliment) in style, rythym, depth, complexity, and understanding. The lyrics for this band do so perfectly. They are poetic, playful, descriptive, and artistic without being cryptic. You can determine exactly what the lyrics are saying. There is no hidden meaning, or greater concept that needs to be grasped. And then the music tells you how to feel, and the feelings you're supposed to ascribe to the lyrics. They're consise, articulate, surprising, poised... need I go on? Brilliant.

Superficially, the music makes no sense, and can even stress you out. This is because of the high level of unpredictability the music has. This unpredictability stems from two things. One, is the absolutely intricate, unusual, sporatic vocal harmonies. They are so beautiful and assertive that they literally assault your brain. You don't have time to process or understand what you're hearing, its just there, and there's no way you can tune them out.

The second is momentum. The progression of a song usually follows one of these few patterns. A song can start of with a great deal of energy and noise, then trickle off into the core rythym and style of the song. It can build momentum towards the middle, climax, then go into a repitition of the chorus and some set beat. Or a song can build all the way till the end, and have an epic, loud finish. Instinctively, we will ascribe and anticipate one of these patterns. But you can tell right away the momentum will be unpredictable. You have no clue when the song will take you to states of high energy or low energy, or when to expect them. That means the listening experience is cognitive.

Many artists will try and go for an asymetric pattern of momentum, and it ends in failure. Its not catchy enough, people can't get into it. Dirty Projectors are catchy. Their beats and rythyms are primal and groovy enough to feel. While listening to them is a cognitve process, its also visceral. You feel the music. The unusual  strings of chords and layers of vocals are different to be sure, but  most people would agree the sound is collectively upbeat. The jammy factor is important because its what keeps people listening to it over and over again. You don't get bored from predictabiliy like many jammy songs, which makes the listening process very different from any music and highly pleasurable.

For most, myself included, Dirty Projectors is an aquired taste. But after you get a feel for their style, and respect them for their sheer originality, you can't help but fall in love. You can't assess their likability like you would normal music... you must approach it from a completely objective stance, and observe. It's super fun. Seriously... If any band is worth listening to right now, it's these guys! Wait and watch music change.

Playlist # 87

1. Sunburn- Muse
2. Waiting For You- Cult of Luna
3. 12:51- The Strokes
4. Turn Into- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
5. Crown of Love- Arcade Fire
6. Daughter- As Cities Burn
7. The Beast- Austra
8. Forks and Knives- Beirut
9. The Hill- Bombay Bicycle Club
10. Forced to Love- Broken Social Scene
11. Otis- Kanye West and Jay-Z
12. I’ll Take Us Home- Matt and Kim
13. VCR- The XX
14. Baby Say Goodbye- Wavves
15. South Carolina- Tennis
16. Chicago At Night- Spoon
17. Grass- Animal Collective
18. Vintage Books- Cloud Control
19. Swamp- Colour Revolt
20. Don’t Cry- Deerhunter
21. Temacula Sunrise- Dirty Projectors
22. Laura- Girls
23. Always Malaise- Interpol
24. Mary- Yellow Ostrich
25. These Young Hearts- Patch William
26. Take Off Your Sunglasses- Ezra Furman and the Harpoons
27. I’ll Believe in Anything- Wolf Parade

Basically, this is a good range of the type of stuff I listen to everyday. You have some super jammy stuff like Muse, Beirut, Dirty Projectors, Kanye/Jay-Z, Wolf Parade, and Wavves. I know, who knew I would get in a Muse mood today? They're pretty LOL. Then, a whole but of indie angsty stuff like Colour Revolt, Interpol, Patch William, Spoon, and Arcade Fire. 

The other stuff is just very trendy. Trendy music guys. That's a new genre I think we should coin. It makes sense- it's like indie, but carries specific connotations like current and artistic. Its brand new sounds done by people who fit the current trend of aesthetics, fashion, lyrics, and so on. Trendy.... or trendie if its cute. idk... try it out!?! It doesn't mean you're trying to follow the croud or be hipster or anything by listening to it, It can still be good. :)

Nonetheless, I encourage you to check out the bands you've never heard of! These are ALL AWESOME ARTISTS with amazing music. If it's not for you, fine, but you should get exposed to music you've never heard of or don't necessarily understand. It's good for you. 

SEE if you can identify which songs fit into the following genres:

RAP

SLUDGE METAL

INDIE

HIPSTER

ROCK

BRITTISH ROCK

SURF ROCK

FOLK

POST ROCK

(some of them can fit into multiple categories, or overlap)

<3 you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cheers