In the Christian sphere of influence, there has been a popularized notion that men need to "step up to the plate" in relationships. Men need to take charge, get jobs, work hard, dress well, stay fit, make intentional decisions, think about others, be a provider, lavishly spend their time on making sure women's spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual needs are met. The romanticized vision of traditional relationships is once again elevated to the pinnacle of success in intimacy. The woman should be financially provided for. The man should maintain his moral integrity. He should never even think about other women in a sexual context. He must only date with the intention of marriage, and if that is the intent, he should be intentional with following through.
This vision for the ideal christian man is challenged by popular culture as backwards and archaic. The narrative is seen as a direct push-back against cultural progression in the realm of relationships. This view has not serviced to dismantle the ideological infrastructure of the Christian man's role, but has further emphasized its necessity.
Both the popular Christian narrative for relationships as well as the secular progressive movements on human sexuality are lacking balance in their assertions. This stems from asking the wrong initial question. I will give you, what I believe is the right one.
What's important?
If you were to answer the question on the spot, I would imagine two answers: Love and Happiness.
Those are good answers, and I am not discrediting their validity, but I will tell you they are wrong. Love and happiness are simply symptomatic effects of defining what is important. I will also tell you that they are not static states of being that can be eternally maintained, unless you change their definitions. I will further assert that there is nothing wrong with not being able to maintain static happiness and giddy, infatuated love. Instead of getting into that discussion, lets go back to the issue of what is important.
There many ways to address this question, and it is one that will constantly shape every movement in your life- whether or not you are consciously addressing it. But on the issue of long term, intimate relationships between one set of two human beings- I think that is the question we must face dead on.
We are experiencing a liberating sexual revolution where men and women can marry whom they choose. Marriage is an institution founded in commitment to a sole individual. In the wakes of this progressive movement, several ideas have been raised as to what is important and why this has become an important issue. It is not that human sexuality and sexual identity is important, it is not that religious affiliation is important, it isn't even that societal norms are important- what has allowed this movement to gain momentum and precedence is human rights. We all should have the right to marry. All should be given the same opportunities, regardless of the other stuff.
But then you enter into the marriage itself and ask, what is important? And as you're trying to answer the question as purely and idealistically as you can, you start to look at the nature of a marriage. Marriage is a partnership. It is choosing someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. It is choosing the time and the person with which you want to actualize your future, your goals.... someone you want to pay bills with, sleep with, shop with, fight with, conspire and scheme with, eat with, get old with, be vulnerable with... everything till the day you die-with.
That type of alliance is one you will never have with friends, with your career, with your home... it is singularly reserved for certain familial contexts, and marriage. That sacredness and even definition of marriage has not been upheld, because people feel they pick the wrong person. And we pick the wrong people because we aren't answering what's important. If the life-time partnership and your partner in crime are what is most important in your relationship to both of you, then it will work.
What is most important to both of you must be the same, otherwise, every attempt to create something of substance and value in your relationship will be convoluted and short lived. And how do you determine someone who answers the question the same as you? First of all, you know because they're the type of person who is asking it. Second of all, you know because you ask it of yourself.
Knowing where you stand and who you are at the very core is what will guide you to your future lifetime teammate. And rather than demanding these behavior attributes out of man to somehow contrive a definition of what a Christian man and what his intimate relationships to be, we should ask him to ask this question.
And.... THE BIG AND.... we should be asking the same of women. We need people in this world who know where they stand. We need people who are confident of who they are at their very core because they ask what's important. They know what is important to them.... not just loose words that umbrella vague concepts of what is acceptable and familiar in the world... but actually understanding what we live for, what we would die for, and what truths are guiding the limited time we have on this earth.
The traditional marriage is a sound image to draw goals from and to try and replicate. But it is because when you look at the man and the women united, they support each other. They contribute. Their accomplishments and failures and ecstasies and sorrows are shared. Their lives enhance and compliment each other. They are two individuals who can accomplish many things on their own, but the vibrancy and expanse of what their able to create is enhanced by the unity of the other. They make more of a difference and enjoy more of the little things and understand what it means to be human more so together than alone.
That is why human intimacy in the form of marriage is important. That is why we must ask the tough questions. And that is why before running off subscribing to various popular ideals, we must always, always know where we stand and where we are heading. We must uncover what it really means, we must strip down, simplify, and refine the pile of rhetoric that builds in our mind without careful observation. And guys, lets really see if we can be what we were meant to be, lets do things with intention, and celebrate the freedom in knowing what it means to be human.
