Somewhere in Texas I broke my heart. The beautiful endless sea of burnt gold land and way too much time to drown in my thoughts was the perfect combination to transport my little soul to a very vulnerable place. I am so raw, and everything I experience has a hightened intensity. I was going to visit my dying grandma. I was going to support my family, going to learn about grief and death, two things I had no understanding of. I had a lot to think of as I gazed at that window towards an envoloping scenery, not only about these things, but about love, and sin, and committment, and innocence.
Here's what I learned.
People are meant to be beautiful, and you can age gracefully, and you can die and be dying gracefully. This doesn't make it smooth. The body fights with itself, and the mind slowly leaves the body. Your humanity fades out, and become like an infant again, closer to your death, closer to God's loving arms than any other point in your life. But my grandma, she was the sweetest woman I ever knew. She gave so much love and strength to her family, and the astounding example of Christ she exibited influenced all my relatives. They were united by this beautiful woman, and shared in her loving personality, and strength. None of them feared death, they were happy to see this sweet woman reunited with her husband, free of pain.
People are meant to be beautiful, beautiful to eachother. It was a complete epiphany to me. Thats all the realization was. That we are meant to be overflowing with love and beauty.
The best visualization I have for the discovery of this profound truth is what all my relatives would say to my grandma, with their charming Texan accents, as they clasped her veiny feeble hands, "Granny, you always had the softest skin, did you know that?"
I'm completely broken.
