Recently, I had the pleasure of teaching a dear friend of mine the importance of non-verbal communication; call it body language or gesture, whatever you like, we realized you can say a lot with a hug. Successful communicators use body language to effectively enhance their spoken words, and elevate conversation past mere calculation. But, sadly, many people aren't aware of what they're saying with their hugs. Rather than give you the whole lesson, I'll just share with you some profoundly ineffective hugs.
#1 The Step Back Pat Back
This person always partakes in hugging.... barely. They know its important to other people to engage in this ritualistic behavior, but when it comes down to it, they hate it. You are in their personal space, which creates extreme levels of discomfort. They will never embrace another human body for the sake of emotional connection, they have places to go, things to do, and frankly you're wasting their time. After they politely hug you, from arms distance, and give you a good ol' slap on the back, you're left feeling very deprived, self-conscious with your body, and stressed about the durability of the friendship. "Thanks for the hug bro, I get it. I think I'll just go cry alone in a ditch somewhere for a while, its clear thats what you want" :(
#2 The Death Squeeze
We're amping up the awkward. Ok, this one boys and girls do equally, I've seen and experienced it from both. For this type of guy, you've got to prove to the world that you are masculine. Like the conversation, you're in charge of the hug. That bro coming up for the hug, you've got to take him down. You're thinkin, "sick I'll get him in a death lock that will have his abs hurting for a month!" Take it easy bro, we all think you're strong. Then, you think "well, the harder I hug that girl, the more she'll know I really really like her, and she'll see how strong I am!" You have one part right, we will realize how strong you are. But, making a girl feel like she needs to scream for help from an attack but can't because there's no air in her lungs is a bad call dewd. Like people, hugs are fragile. I mean, how would you feel if someone died? Oh and girls, you're stronger than you think. If you decide that its ok to hug a guy with all your might, do you really wanna be telling him, "Yeah, you thought girls wern't strong? Well, actually we are, and you may pass out from my hugs they're so aggressive" "I love you so much I could just maul you to death!" is not cute. Be ladies, come on! D:
#3 The Human Knot
One of the most common hug issues is this one. Alright, you're around the same height as your friend, you haven't seen each other in a while, let alone hug, but you made eye contact and you're both inching towards each other, arms open as if you're trying to maintain your balance but you're trying to show you're coming in for the hug. They reciprocate gestures, but you're making too much eye contact during the hug, you should have been focusing on you're arm placement. You're thinking "Oops, ok that configuration definitely didn't work. Sorry, I didn't mean to punch you in the side. Ok, are they going over and I'm under, should we do one of each, oh wait, why are our arms twisted up like this?" Before you know it, its over and you never successfully commenced the hug. Um, yeah, you probably should just leave now, I doubt that person will be talking to you in a while. :\
#4 The Lingerer
Ohhhhhhh, youuuuuuuu. This person is the shame of all huggers. Everyone knows what I'm talking about, because we've all experienced a lingered hug. Truth of the matter is, this taboo has got us so frightened, were willing to commit any other hug infraction in sacrifice to keep from committing this one. Lingering means social death forever. I think the reason why we detest this hug is because we don't really understand why someone engages in this type of hug. The lingerer comes up, and they're totally normal. I mean, sure, they're probably not quite considered a friend, but they seem harmless enough. I think I figured out the verbal cue though... "Oh my goodness, I haven't seen you in FOREVERRRRRR. How are YOUUUUUU?' They're dragging out their words, thats potential to drag on the hug. Always go in for a side hug to be on the safe side... use the step-back-pat-back if you must, because that potential friendship is shattered as soon as they do it. And you'll be screaming "When will this be over! Do you guys see this? I literally can't get out of this limp, uncomfortable hug!" :[
#5 Bro Bump
"Broooo. Dewd bro, how's it going man guy?" "Rad as my abs broson" "Haha, broooo!" Then you chest bump, in combo with a solid back slap, and for whatever reason you start fighting. This is not uncomfortable for you two, but everyone else is rolling their eyes, and standing around waiting for you to finish. Akward bromance will make people not resent you, or keep them away, but they will loose a little sliver of respect for you, bro. And oh, never never never, ever ever ever, chest bump a girl. You're reading this like "what? Who does that? I would never." It happens, too often, trust me.
#6 Back Grab
Unlike all of the previous doomed huggers, this hugger knows what his/her body language is implying. Its absolutely terrifying. You really need to say away from these people, because when they give you this hug, and you cringe with chills and nausea, they gain even more satisfaction. They are power hungry monsters, and derive all the more pleasure from your discomfort. Do you not know what hug I'm talking about yet? Its when someone comes up from behind you and hugs you. Usually, its one arm around the neck and one around the waist, or both around the waist. It literally feels like their going to kidnap you, whisk you away to their house of terrors. On that note, girls aren't above this one... it happens. Oh, but if you're a couple and you're doing this around people. Stop it... you look like creeps. I mean honestly, you could be making out and I'd be less uncomfortable than when you hug like this. Basically, just try and stay away from sketchy people. Always hang out in public areas, get some good bros to watch your back, and carry a gun. Better yet, get a pet tiger. No one messes with tigers. Have you seen there eyes?
Ok well thats pretty much it... Have a good day and go hug a buddy ;)
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